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you know what hurts? more than any of the new age juvenile crap you call love?
when your own mother couldn't state anything positive about you
"I only know your bad points... what are the good things about you?" you asked.
you tell me. “you know you have bad points, then you should change!” Yeah, change… that’s what you’ve been trying to do to me since young, asking me to go to church, interact with God and hopefully frequent visits will magically remove the demon and voila! A perfect daughter. Oh and how could I forget the most recent and one of my favorite attempt of yours to (expectantly, but failed, sadly) change me was seeking help from some foreign fortune teller, invite her to our house, asking me to drink some “magic” water every night that’s been charmed...hah, classic. That oughta dismiss those demons! All these do hurt, yet what hurts the most is that you don't even think it's a big deal not knowing your daughter's 'good points'
yeah i know I'm coated with a huge massfuck of negative attributes but surely there's a tiny speck of good deep down somewhere? I know I've been rude and always throwing all my flaws at you and it's coherent that you couldn't find anything satisfactory after all that searching. but surely there's a tiny sunshine below the thickness? Unless I'm Satan's daughter or Satan his-majestic-self. 18 years and you couldn't point out any positive thing about me? Then why are you so nice to me? Why do you even bother loving me if I'm just a replica of the devil. "Because, she's your mother, genius" I tell myself whenever i've these thoughts. often i considered whether things would be different if I'm not the only daughter in this family, I guess i wouldn't be given as much as i'm receiving now. "when i knew i was expecting a daughter then, I was so happy, finally a daughter after two sons! now look at you! I regret giving birth to you!" exact words you would say when I was young whenever i did anything to upset you. maybe that is why I'm who I am now? Empress of the Negative Universe. Of course la, your own mother regrets having you, couldn't seek out your good points, yet drowning you with endless love. so if you happen to have another daughter, one with the traits you desire out of a normal daughter, possessing qualities you envy out of your colleagues' mother-daughter relationships, holding hands when going out, etc etc that I will never ever have, where would I be now? I know that you feel mistreated, you often tell me yourself. "what did i do to deserve this? I give you all the love in the world..." i don't deserve you either... the love you've been giving me is definitely unworthy. and it's proven, no positive attribute you could squeeze outta me, so why on earth am i worthy of your love? If my family were to be a subject in a drama serial, my character would be portrayed as the unfilial daughter that the audience will hate and curse whenever she made an appearance. But mother, do you know how happy I was when Juliet told me that you told her you were happy 'cos I was starting to treat you better a few months back? yet my demonic side have to act up and the childish behaviour's been showcasing again and again. I love you, a whole lot, but the foolish childish mindset of mine proves otherwise, and I live in regret, knowing your the one who loves me best yet I'm doing shit, getting angry and throwing bitchfits at almost the littlest things. every single night before i sleep i slap myself awake telling myself what if you were to be taken away from me, catching me off guard, i would fucking die, without any reason to live on, so i tell myself to treat you better, in terms of not being rude and get angry over the slightest mother fucking things that you've been putting up with for 18 tolerable (only for a loving mother like you) years. you'd probably tell me to try controlling the demon inside of me, oh sister, you wouldn't know. it really really pains me to learn that my mom could see my dark side...... this hurt will stay longer than any heartbreak that I was previously trying to mend. no wait, it's here to stay.
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whatthefang's journal
uncomfortable